Between the years 2004 and 2008 I was under the influence of the following drugs: Paxil, Zyprexa, Rhisprodal, Lexapro, and Lamictal. I was prescribed these drugs by psychiatrists for psychological problems that can be addressed with cognitive behavioral therapy. This is a recount of the affects these drugs had on my brain and body.
Mental: I remember being in a disorientated delirious state where I was often unaware or able to take in my own actions. I simply put was not there to absorb what I was doing and what was going on around me. I was going through the motions of life experiencing depersonalization. I did not care for myself, I did not care about anyone else, I did not care about anything. I was not there to brush my own teeth at night and probably did not brush my teeth for about a year. I remember when driving I would black out and fade in and out of consciousness which caused me to get into a car accident due to not being there. I almost fell into something that was not sleep but not being there at the wheel several other times. I remember I would do things I did not realize I was doing such as driving with either my feet on brake or accelerator at all times. I remember I actually enjoyed taking the pills at first because they allowed me to get away with sleep. I would sleep 12 to 14 hours a day and when I was awake I was not there. I was depressed and going into this sleep which was not proper sleep would escape. Before this I engaged in self harm for attention but only under the influence of these drugs did I engage in self harm as a means of eliminating depression or as a means of feeling something, anything. I was unable to enjoy anything or show interest in anything. All the talents I once had faded away to the point I could do nothing. I remember being in a basic biology class and being unable to do punnett squares and was unable to contemplate their meaning or connect them to anything. Punnet Squares are to do with genetics and predicting the genotype and phenotype of an animal’s offspring easily. I forgot so many things I used to know and once you have forgotten you do not know what you have forgotten. Also I lacked any form of sex drive which is connected to motivation. I would also say things that I knew were wrong and argue with them and sometimes would say and state completely different things. I thought about, and planned how to murder a person. I don’t mean I got mad and threatened someone but I actually planned out and intended to do it. I also for a while wanted to kill my parents. I don’t mean I got angry with them I actually planned and intended to do it silently to myself. All I would care about was the opinion of a single individual at a time whoever it may be and satisfying them. My “best friend” who I would usually end up simply annoying and harassing. It would take me several weeks or months to remember a person’s name as I could not remember or retain information. I was unable to process or talk about the physical symptoms I am about to explain and did not even care about them. I was not myself. I was a lobotomized vegetable a shadow of my former self in which everyone cared about, wanted me to be, and expected me to be.
Physical: Most notably I went from being 110 LBS to 180 LBS. I was age 18-19 during the time that this occurred and it happened within less of a year. There were three separate occasions where people were unable to recognize me because of this change in physical appearance. I was unable to recognize this either for a long time due to not being there mentally. I also developed excessive mammary tissue in my breasts. Even though I am down to under 130 LBS at this point I still tend to have extra tissue in my chest. I remember I would also only poop about once a week. I currently poop about once a day. This was caused by a decreased functioning hypothyroid and increased blood sugar and cholesterol. I remember being sick all the time but not noticing the sickness until it became something like a fever of 102 in which I brushed it off. I remember having a cough for over three years. A family member asked me if I was smoking, I had never smoked anything in my life at the time but I coughed like I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day. My bones would crack with certain movements. My ankle bone would crack every time I would walk up the stairs. I always had a clear complexion even as a teen but while under the influence of these drugs I was prone to blemishes on my face, neck, shoulders, and chest. The blemishes on my shoulders became enlarged red bumps. I would develop red stinging rashes underneath my arms and between my legs. I remember my sex drive disappeared and for over three years I did not have an erection. People also commented that I gave off a foul odor. I would say I currently have an at least average size penis. While under the influence of these drugs my penis shrank down to around two inches. I was never able to attain stage four of sleep or REM sleep but seemed to be in a constant transitional stage even while awake. I would constantly feel dizzy, nauseous and as if I wanted to faint. This resulted in me laying down and entering a state of blackness. I suffered from involuntary muscle jerking, muscle twitching, tongue darting, and muscle tremors that I was unaware of at the time but other people did point them out. When they did I would simply get angry with them or ignore them.